The Dream Tickets for the 2008 Election

by Norman Berdichevsky (Jan. 2007)

The media and general public have already entered the unabated frenzy and speculation in the two year period preceding a U.S. Presidential election. We have already reached the stage when each day brings a declaration announcing a new candidate. Allow me please to present my own modest proposal for engaging the electorate to make the race truly exciting and engaging so as to eliminate all couch potatoes.

The DEMOCRATIC DREAM TICKET

The greatest tradition of American politics is the political selection process and speculation by the public and pollsters to assemble the strongest possible “ticket” of a Presidential and Vice Presidential candidate so that they “balance” each other and appeal to the broadest possible electorate. Before it becomes clear who the front runners are for 2008, both parties are determined to mobilize a maximum number of the “couch potatoes” who are generally apathetic and normally do not vote in any election.

The 2004 election was the first in a long time in which more than half the eligible voters actually went to the polls. In order to make sure that the turnout in 2008 remains large, they would be well advised to go beyond the realm of career politicians and seek candidates who can exercise the same star quality as media celebrities. Bearing this in mind, the professional politicians would do well to find those stars who are politically active and have a mass following. For the 2008 race, the Democrats could do no better than nominate Jerry Springer and Oprah Winfrey to maximize their appeal among voters. If Bill Clinton was “cool” and made other candidates like Al Gore look square, Springer and Winfrey will be absolutely “out of sight“ and put Bill and Hillary in the shade.

The talk show medium has thoroughly demolished those archaic concepts of pride, decency and shame that have been major potential drawbacks for many politicians running for office. We need candidates now who will make those silly outmoded ideas of Anglo-Saxon political culture and the standards by which it used to be judged, obsolete.

A Springer-Winfrey ticket would for the first time present two minority candidates (as well as a woman thereby killing two birds with one stone)and two media personalities who are thoroughly familiar with the appeal of show business, fashion, sex, obesity, dieting, perversions of all kinds, the world of Bart Simpson-like teenagers, Hollywood films, gross humor and popular music.

For the broad American public, this ticket would present the coolest candidates ever. It would also dramatically demonstrate that the U.S. is an open society, where there are no barriers of discrimination, based on race, gender, religion, ethnic origin, sexual orientation, bad taste, indecency and sensationalism. Foreign birth should also be included among those barriers to be overthrown but this item would, however, require a constitutional amendment to allow Jerry Springer to take office.

The dream ticket also balances geographic diversity. Jerry was previously Democratic Mayor of Cincinnati and Oprah grew up in the deep South. Moreover, they would respectively attract the vote of male chauvinists and militant feminists, two groups that ordinarily vote for opposing candidates.

In addition, the two talk show hosts have been notorious rivals for the No. 1 spot on daytime TV. The fact that they could come together and bury the hatchet would serve as an inspiration for compromise and the relegation of personality differences in order to serve higher political goals.

The cruder, more vulgar, more quixotic Jerry would sweep the younger voters who are the group that normally abstains most from voting, while Oprah’s appeal would maximize turnout among the middle age couch potatoes. Oprah has also become an idol for the overweight, probably now a majority of the voters. She has exercised the most demanding self-discipline, going from a colossal 237 lbs. to a marathon contender who has run the distance in under four and a half hours.

A Springer-Winfrey ticket is sure to win a landslide by mobilizing the talk show fans. They have become experts on every known and previously unknown form of personal problem, perversion, addiction, complex and hang up that beset large sections of the American public. Moreover, the two have been regarded as eminently trustworthy by their viewers and neither of them would ever find it necessary to point a finger or be so pious as Bill Clinton was.

Jerry and Oprah have come up the hard way. They are respectively the child and descendent of holocaust survivors and slaves who have realized the American dream. Jerry was born in London in 1944, the son of German-Jewish refugees. He has the traditional background of most successful politicians - a law degree, active campaigning experience as well as a successful tenure in office. After all, if Jerry was able to run a major US city without chaos, riots in the street, mayhem, looting and arson, he has good credentials for the top job.

Jerry also has a unique talent, which no other former president or current contender can match - the ability to make obnoxious and disgusting people even more offensive, yet likeable, while humiliating them before a TV audience of tens of millions. Imagine what he could do with the likes of Vladimir Putin, Fidel Castro, Kim Jung-Il, Hugo Chavez and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as American crowds roared in their faces….JER-RY JER-RY, JER-RY.!

Oprah, born in 1954, grew up amidst poverty and a broken home in rural Mississippi; admitted to molestation by a family member, a teenage pregnancy, addiction to junk food, and even cocaine use, but unlike Bill Clinton, she has not excused anything by claiming that she didn’t inhale. She has overcome every possible handicap to become the most engaging female TV personality and fostered inter-racial harmony. No other black personality in the media has spoken out so directly against racial pandering to make political capital. If the Republicans don’t offer a rival Black candidate, the Democrats are sure to monopolize 110% of the Afro-American vote for the next generation with Oprah on the ticket.

She also possesses a “feel good factor” that no other politician can generate. No matter what the crisis, Oprah will be able to exert a calming effect on the nation which is probably what we will need most in the next four years rather than any specific policy. Everyone agrees that now is the time for a woman candidate in the top executive jobs and Oprah projects a much more positive image of a caring loving mother than her most talked about rivals - Hillary the conniving shrew and Condi - the pedantic schoolmarm.

This dream ticket could make government more effective by calling upon instant national support measured in the polls rather than working with the clumsy Congress. With a team like this, how can anything go wrong? And even if it does, Jerry and Oprah are already prepared for the worst, they have seen it on their shows, made the video, kept the people amused and held on to top ratings. What more should we expect from our Chief Executive officers?

Jerry and Oprah have also raised millions of dollars for worthwhile charities and could heal the nation’s deepest wounds. The feel good factor is what the public needs and wants and no more spin doctors. Springer and Winfrey can reassure the public that there is nothing to fear from exposure or ridicule. We won’t have to expect any embarrassing scandals in the White House because nobody would be embarrassed by anything any more.

Most voters would however like to know who would serve in the key cabinet roles of Secretaries of Defence and State. For the Democrats, in view of opposition to President Bush’s policies, the choice of Woody Allen seems logical. Allen has already been employed by the French government as a public relations spokesman and if he can succeed in the impossible task of making Americans appreciate France today, think what he could do in the role of Secretary of State. No other American is so appreciated in Europe - especially the “Old Europe”. In 2002, Allen won the Prince of Asturias Award and the town of Oviedo, Spain erected a life-size statue of him.

He spent at least 30 years undergoing psychoanalysis as often as three days a week so he must understand people’s and diplomats’ real motives and drives. Moreover, "Woody" is a Jew who has turned his back on his religion, upbringing, parents, family name and Israel which should give him high marks in the Arab world. Much of his neurotic humor is derived from mocking and parodying Jewish tradition and finding absolutely nothing of value in it except material for his sarcasm.

His dislike of Israel is intense - as one might expect he is embarrassed by a place where Jews have created an authentic modern Hebrew culture and had to fight heroically for survival instead of hating their mothers, cursing their fathers and wondering why they were born. Woody Allen continues to be a cultural hero to the American Left in spite of (or because of) having a sexual relationship and taking nude photographs of his adopted daughter. He is also a renowned clarinet player in jazz bands so that he could easily join a duet on his clarinet with former President Clinton on the saxophone.

For Secretary of Defense, the Democrats would like a Hollywood big-shot who has had confrontations with the Republicans and proven he can “walk the extra mile“, so how about Sean Penn? Penn is known for meeting with the late little lamented dictator Saddam Hussein just before the invasion of Iraq and active anti-war stance together with Cindy Sheehan.

When criticized in the war satire “Team America: World Police”, he responded with a letter critical of the filmmakers ending with an eloquent  “F*** You“. This, in fact, is his favorite form of repartee in debates of any kind. This is a much more effective way of speaking than the boring style of the long-winded Rumsfeld. Penn has the obvious necessary experience to lead the Department of Defense and confirm his anti-war views among the many rabid anti-Bush partisans by having played a brutal American platoon leader of soldiers in Vietnam who rape and kill a young girl. In his own view this qualifies him as an expert on the proper use of the military. 

His threats of mayhem against ex-wife Madonna and rock throwing against reporters who ask embarrassing questions also contrast favorably with Rumsfeld’s polite but evasive answers during news conferences. Putting him together in the cabinet with Woody Allen who threatened to sue him when the two worked together on the same film would also be a clever strategy to confuse our enemies who wouldn’t know what we were up to.

The REPUBLICAN DREAM TICKET

What could the Republicans do to match this dynamic duo? The obvious answer is to respond in kind and not concede any strategic advantage to the Democrats' balanced ticket of man-woman and Black-White. Given those parameters, the choice seems obvious and the G.O.P will have to nominate Ann Coulter for President and Bill Cosby for Vice-President thus combining wit, elegance, beauty, patriotism, solid conservative values such as hard work and faith in God with a rejection of the demented and ugly panoply of role models who have dominated the world of many entertainers, sports and the rap music scene for so long, glorifying in nihilism, rampant sexuality, reverse racism, violence and mayhem.

As President, Ann Coulter would add a provocative spice to match anything that the Springer-Winfrey ticket comes up with and leave Hillary Clinton and Condoleeza Rice in the dust. The strong Democratic stranglehold on the East Coast and Ivy League colleges would be effectively challenged in the Electoral College by the Republican candidates - Cosby (Pennsylvania) and Coulter (Connecticut). Ann is the author of five New York Times bestsellers, the legal correspondent for Human Events and writes a popular syndicated column for Universal Press Syndicate. She has been a frequent guest on many TV shows and her saucy good looks only add sex appeal to her provocative views causing even some Left wing radicals to pause for a moment and question who are the real fuddy-duddies.

With her law degree and background on the Senate Judiciary Committee investigating crime and immigration issues, she already has experience in public service and is acknowledged as an outstanding advocate in the defense of individual rights with particular emphasis on freedom of speech, civil rights, and the free exercise of religion. Best of all, she excels at debate with a rapier like wit. Her opponents are often reduced to foaming at the mouth, shouting abuse, leaving the site of her talk, or taking unflattering photos. She hails from Connecticut but has established residences in New York and Florida giving her considerable leeway in geographic appeal.

She has been particularly adept at shattering the time honored banalities that have dominated public life and been elevated into holy scripture by liberals and the Democrat Party. Another big advantage Ann has is her ability to dodge flying pies and other hurled objects - an important skill for our highest office holders today.

We need Ann Coulter to restore credibility, sanity and common sense to counteract the kind of diplomacy we have had from President George Bush whose policies in part were built on “looking deeply into the eyes” of Vladimir Putin and Iraqi Prime Minister Maliki and coming to the extraordinary conclusion that these were leaders he could trust and work with. Refusing to bow before the accepted wisdom and sentimental hoax of victimhood perpetrated daily by America’s enemies is what Ann and a revitalized Republican Party would demonstrate to the electorate fed up with W’s eye tests as a way to conduct foreign policy.

Ann’s rugged unemotional digging out the facts makes her a much tougher cookie. She didn’t even fall for the sentimental muck that convinced Liberals for more than a generation of the innocence of poor humble Annie Lee Moss, the 49 year old Black widow and code clerk who had lost her job at the Pentagon and was questioned by the House Un-American Activities Committee in February-March 1954 as a security risk and Communist Party member. So compelling was her act ("who's that?" was her response to the question "Have you ever heard of Karl Marx?") that when Democratic Senator Stuart Symington declared he believed her, there was spontaneous applause in the chamber ignoring the solid evidence of an undercover agent submitted to the FBI, the Army and the Civil Service Commission.

Nevertheless, the apparently bewildered, frail Anni Lee Morse was made into a martyr of McCarthyism only to be revealed by subsequent investigation to be exactly the same Communist party member registered at the very address she herself confirmed during the hearings and listed as a party member since the middle ’40s. The Democratic congressmen so anxious to use McCarthyite tactics on McCarthy never stopped to question how this apparently slow, dull witted woman - a female character out of Amos and Andy - who met all their own stereotypes about Black people managed to get a top sensitive security job involving classified Army codes.

To match Woody Allen for the role of Secretary of State, the odds on choice for a Cosby-Coulter administration would undoubtedly be Bruce Willis. This would make foreign policy so much easier. What would American have to fear from foreign tinhorn dictators, fanatical terrorists, aliens, extras-terrestrials, random asteroids and comets when they can call upon a guy who has saved the planet from these threats several times?

For Secretary of Defense, it has to be Arnold Schwartzenegger whose German accent will remind everyone of Henry Kissinger and Dr. Strangelove but with the accompanying threat of a Terminator-like deathblow to America’s enemies. Nomination of Schwartzenegger would also be a forward looking step towards true integration of the many people of diverse ethnic origins especially from Germany and Eastern Europe with long family names of three or four syllables and more than ten letters.

These Americans are among our loyal citizens who have been the most discriminated against. They constantly meet with shoulder shrugs and looks of incomprehension from bureaucrats and sales personnel who give up at spelling and simply call these people by their first names (I am waiting with great expectations for the candidacy of George Stephanopolous and the intention of Superbowl Champion Ben Roethlesberger to enter political life).

During the 1980s, Cosby produced and starred in The Cosby Show, considered one of the most positive and uplifting family oriented sitcoms on television avoiding all the ugly stereotypes that have dominated the portrayal of Afro-Americans by Hollywood and television. He is the logical candidate to balance the Republican ticket and offer potential competition to Oprah in the fight to win part of the Black vote. He cannot be classed as a “deviant”, “eccentric” or “a snob“. Blacks, like distinguished scholar and philosopher Thomas Sowell, Secretary Candoleeza Rice (whose talk on interviews about the “status quo ante” is not understood by mass audiences) or the upward striving first generation son of Caribbean immigrants like General Colin Powell, all speak in tones that most Blacks consider simply imitating “Whitey“.

A Black Republican Vice-Presidential candidate is certain to break the almost century old domination of the Democrats and the end of the near monopoly in the Black community of demagogues such as the “Reverends” Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson.

For most Whites, Cosby’s good-natured, fatherly image as "America's Black Dad," and endorsements of such commercial pillars of the capitalist establishment like Jell-O Pudding and Coca-Cola make him an ideal representative of our way of life. No other candidate can appeal to such a large part of the spectrum of both Black and White voters.

For those Blacks who reveled in the devil-may-care philandering of Good Ole Boy Bill Clinton, Cosby offers enough scandal of his own with charges of sexual assault and misconduct and dropping out of High School in the tenth grade to make him acceptable as “one of the guys“.

Cosby worked as a teenager before and after school, selling produce, shining shoes, and stocking shelves at a supermarket to help out his family. His work record as an apprentice at a shoe repair shop and military service at the Bethesda Naval Hospital in Maryland when he was in the Navy also would make him eminently more attractive to male Black voters than all the books and academic degrees earned by Rice, Powell and Thomas. Cosby also distinguished himself in track and field and won a scholarship while at Philadelphia’s Temple University. He excelled at physical education track and playing fullback on the University team. After the termination of The Bill Cosby Show, he actively pursued an advanced degree in education from the University of Massachusetts.

Cosby can also claim to have vicarious intelligence experience due to his star role in the I Spy television series in which he achieved a first for African-Americans, costarring with Robert Culp. Americans could watch how two dedicated Americans of different races worked together to foil America’s enemies.

But most of all, the combination of his life history and political views would make him a new super star role model to convince many Afro-Americans that the old truisms endorsed by Jackie Robinson, Joe Louis and George Washington Carter about hard work and nose to the grindstone really still mean something and that they have been viciously misled for generations by the entitlement and welfare give-aways fostered on them by Democrat politicians seeking to endlessly expand the role of government.

Cosby has admonished Blacks for not assisting or concerning themselves with the individuals who are involved with crime or have counter-productive aspirations and who have forgotten the sacrifices of those in the Civil Rights Movement. No other “celebrity” has spoken so openly and critically of the acceptance of fatherless single parent households, and high illiteracy rates. He demands that parents begin teaching their children better morals at a younger age. He has directed this address to leaders in the lower and middle Black economic classes and tirelessly encouraged a more proactive effort to redress those problems. Cosby has explained why affirmative action is a blind alley eventually doing more harm than good.

If Bill is unavailable or otherwise engaged, the best candidate to fill his shoes in the Vice Presidential spot would be Denzel Washington, a patriotic American who has therefore been entirely overlooked by the media. Denzel recently greeted returning U.S. soldiers at the Brooks Army Medical Base in San Antonio and wrote out a check to pay for one of the guest houses where families of soldiers undergoing rehabilitation and treatment for burns stay. His unselfish and modest demeanor would put to shame all the American bashers both foreign and domestic.

One thing is certain - an election with these candidates and their cabinet appointees would wake everyone out of their lethargy and passivity and ensure a dynamic campaign with real sharp choices and personalities involving more citizens, of diverse sexes and races than ever before have voted in a presidential election. There is however only one way to ensure that this new system of celebrity candidates succeeds and that we prevent THE RETURN OF A PRIVILEGED HEREDITARY MONARCHY in the United States. We will have to pass a constitutional amendment barring anyone from the Presidency for at least a hundred years who is related by BLOOD OR MARRIAGE to the descendants of the Bush, Kennedy and Clinton families

 

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