BBC Adopts Sharia Policies, Stones Gay Staff

The BBC has recently come out of the closet, admitting that its executives, reporters, analysts, directors, and even cleaning ladies, who are mostly young, urban, trendy, Left-leaning homosexuals, have been found guilty of mistreating the station's Muslim minority by virtue of being insensitive to their anti-gay cultural sentiments. A leaked transcript of a secret 'accountability summit' called by BBC chairman reveals that the BBC, while promoting sexual and ethnic diversity, has neglected to fully comply with the new multicultural order. These new standards prohibit anything that may be viewed as offensive to Muslims or the Koran, including engaging in homosexual acts or admitting homosexuality.

The BBC's 'diversity tsar' Mary Fitzpatrick proposes to atone for these sins of the British Broadcasting Corporation's staff by implementing a new Sharia policy, based on suggestions from the greater Islamic community. "Effective immediately, the Sharia policy will become mandatory for all of our gay and liberal employees, including our gay and liberal elites," Ms. Fitzpatrick announced at the summit.

"The newly adopted Sharia policy covers a broad range of issues, including a requirement for married female newscasters to wear a burqa, prohibiting non-Muslim reporters from writing about Islamic countries, and the stoning of homosexuals and rape victims. This ought to prove to the rest of the world and especially to the Islamic community that we have finally progressed properly," said Ms. Fitzpatrick.

The first order of the day is the purging of homosexuals. "While I do have sympathy for the homosexuals, I also understand the need to heal," Ms. Fitzpatrick stated with some degree of discomfort. "Therefore, the purging must occur."

All homosexuals working for the BBC are to be taken into the back alley behind main headquarters, where some will be stoned, others will be hanged, and the highest level executives will have a stone wall leveled upon them. In the event that a homosexual should survive the wall, a bulldozer will be used to finish the job, as has been done in the past in Iran.

The remaining staff will be allowed to continue to work for the BBC as low-paid errand runners, enjoying all the rights afforded to non-Muslims as the Koran dictates, unless they should voluntarily choose to convert of their own free will.

"With our acceptance of Sharia comes a new credibility with the Muslim world that will indeed heal all wounds," Ms. Fitzpatrick said.