The Truth About Beautiful People

by Jeffrey Zable (September 2024)

The Truth About Beautiful People
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Of course, people who are beautiful are happier than people
who are not beautiful because everyone who’s not beautiful
treats people who are beautiful as if they are special,
which they are in comparison to people who are not beautiful.
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Really, the only people who don’t treat beautiful people special
are other beautiful people who quite often are jealous of other
beautiful people and sometimes angry that they’re not quite
as beautiful as another beautiful person they may know,
see in passing, or catch on a television talk show.
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A beautiful person may even want to kill another beautiful person,
especially if the other beautiful person gets more attention
than they do, and the only reason they don’t do so is out of fear
of getting caught and spending many years in jail, a place in which
they would not be able to eat the food they’re used to, and probably
not have access to a full-length mirror to remind themself of their beauty–
a contributing factor in maintaining their psychological well-being…
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Always in the Back of my Mind
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Yeh, well, I think that people who live in glass houses
probably have the best view of their surroundings,
the only problem being that others can see what
they’re up to—maybe even when they’re in the shower
or on the pot, which could be used to extort money
if they were photographed or videotaped.
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So if it were me and I was offered a glass house for free
I probably would decline, but ask instead if I could have
the money it was worth, which I’d use to buy a house
where there were very few people, and I’d have a pit
surrounding the place with dangerous animals that
were loyal to me because I fed them.
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This, in case someone showed up to do me some harm,
which is always in the back of my mind…
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The Only Way
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When I made a suicide pact with a monkey friend
it was mainly because I was seriously depressed,
but later when I was feeling okay and he showed up
with enough poison to kill 60 of us, all I could say was,
“Sorry, my friend. I’ve changed my mind. I decided
to stick it out for now. Granted, life is no bowl of cherries,
but after thinking it over carefully, it beats the alternative
by a long shot!”
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Looking at me as if I was the biggest traitor since Benedict
Arnold, I could tell he was about to throw the poison in my face,
so I knocked the glass out of his hand, hit him with a right cross,
and then tied him up before he came to.
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“You’re off to the zoo!” I said to him, “where I know you won’t
be able to harm me. That’s the only way I’ll ever get any sleep…”
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The Interchange
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A dog and a man switched places…
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Nothing unusual about this except that the dog
now had a larger penis, while the man had trouble
sleeping on a towel near the stove.
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The dog tried to get out more to have carnal action—
which wasn’t surprising given that he was a male—
while the man wanted to bathe more often.
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Over time, each adjusted quite well to their situation
with the exception of deciding on what program to watch
on the living room TV.
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The man often preferred to watch a rerun of Lassie
or something on Animal Planet, while at the same time
the dog preferred to watch the news or a basketball game. 
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This problem was often resolved by the flip of a coin,
but other times there were bouts of verbal and physical
aggression…
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And So On and So On
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On the subway, maybe in New York, a guy falls to the floor
but no one moves to help him.
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“He’s playing a game!” a man sitting close by says to the woman
next to him, who responds, “Of course he’s playing a game.
It’s a game that used to get a lot of attention, but not anymore!”
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And at the next stop a bunch of people get off, stepping over him
as they do so.
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When the doors close he rises to his feet and announces that
he’s running for mayor of the city and that if they’ll vote for him
they’ll receive free subway travel for the rest of their lives.
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To which one woman says, “Free movies at any theater
of my choice and you’ve got a deal… ” while a gentleman
in a cheap suit says, “Free hot fudge Sundaes every Sunday,
and you’ve got mine… ” while another says, “I’ll do it,
if you’ll pay my mortgage until I own the damn place… ”
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And so on and so on. . .
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In A World Like This
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It takes courage to live up until the time one is ready for kindergarten
because a lot of people kill themselves before they ever make it to class.
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Of course, if one lives to be thirteen they should be financially
rewarded by the government, and continue to be rewarded in relation
to how many years they live beyond that.
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If by some miracle they make it to twenty-one, they should be given
a mansion that has a game room, a swimming pool, and a bar near
the hot tub.
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And even more remarkable and improbable, if one makes it to 30,
their life should be made into a Hollywood movie that becomes
required viewing by everyone in the community…
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In the Right Place
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In the mental institution I asked another patient
what brought him there and he answered,
“Too much reading of philosophy, psychology,
and classic literature without the opportunity
to apply what I learned among those of my kind!”
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To which I replied, “It was the opposite with me!
I applied too much of what I learned from all
that you mentioned and all it got me was enemies,
jealousies, and misunderstandings!”
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“Then we’re both in the right place!” he responded,
before turning once again toward the wall…
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