HRH Queen Elizabeth II’s 2013 Speech in the Event of a Nuclear War

by NB Armstrong (September 2013)

When I spoke to you less than nine months ago, we were all enjoying the warmth and fellowship of a family Christmas. Now we must face up to the hardships brought about by a full thermonuclear exchange. Who would have guessed it?

These acts of kindness have been a huge source of hope and comfort as we come to terms with your extinction. They have allowed myself and Philip some respite from the unfortunate presence of charred remains by the millions. So I wish to stress again the comfort we have derived from them, and the respect you have shown, and must go on showing, in case any of you think this holocaust will change the present executive arrangement.

The initial shock was succeeded by a mixture of other feelings, which included burns, asphyxiation, and general irritation. Because now I guess we will never know if Ronaldo would have moved back to United. The setback is a large one. This week at Balmoral we have all been trying to help one another come to terms with the devastating loss of so many huntable stag.

But one thing we can all look to for its unswerving consistency down through the years is the basic tenor of my accent. It has neither been cheapened nor made more expensive by the passage of time. These present stark days remind us of some of the trials and tribulations we underwent during the darkest hours of the previous century. And, speaking personally, of the time I met the American actor, Elliot Gould. Anti-Semitism has never had a better friend than Mr Gould. Then there was the occasion on which a loner broke into Buckingham Palace and sat on my bed at 3am. He was sad, confused, and he meant no harm. We set the wolves on him. We had to set a precedent. Precedent is what the freedoms of our great country are built upon. Not the Magna Carta or voting but what I do first. Thereafter it becomes law. Thereafter that law is something you are free to argue about to no practical end.

A void has been left in our midst. At the ceremony tomorrow, I hope that sadness will blend with a wider sense of thanksgiving, to form a kind of thankssadness, if you will. By the way, we are having a ceremony tomorrow. It was scheduled long before this very large meteor-like event.

The bond of family life is our greatest defence against the unknown. Trident helps too. Or we thought it would. That four minute warning has finally alerted us all to the dangers of the Arabian peninsula. I am sure we will never allow another one to flourish.

To all of you I say this.

May god bless you all.

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