Kosti’s Ambrose, Part II
by Richard Kostelanetz (August 2014)
In memory of B(rian). S. Johnson (1933-1973).
Long an admirer of Ambrose Bierce’s The Devil’s Dictionary, I’m here appropriating him, much as I’ve appropriated other literary heroes, in this case rewriting some of his entries to make them mine and adding a few of my own reflecting his influence, not just what I wish I wrote but what I rewrote. Humor I like to rewrite mostly to be mine. Some of my own entries, written in 1958, became the earliest text ever reprinted by me (in Skeptical Essays [2010]) and thus stands in retrospect as my first piece of serious writing. These appear here boldfaced. Other entries, some more personal, were written recently and distributed without my credits alphabetically.
Continued from Part I.
I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language, the first thought of the mind, the first object of affection. In grammar it is a pronoun representing the first person and a singular number. Its plural is said to be We, but how there can be more than one myself is doubtless clearer to the grammarians than it is to the author of this purportedly definitive dictionary. Conception of two myselfs is difficult, but fine.
ICONOCLAST, n. A breaker of idols, whose performances gratify worshipers, who most strenuously protest that he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down but pileth not up. For the poor things would have other idols in place of those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth.
IDIOT-IDENTIFIER, n. An intellectual position or critical enthusiasm so untenable that it’s not just idiotic but it identifies its proponent as an idiot until demonstrated otherwise.
IDLENESS, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.
IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and perhaps possessing certain other kinds that you know nothing about.
IGPAY ATINLAY, n. A lingo most useful when used to speak a private message to another English-speaker among an audience that thinks it understands English
ILLNUMERATE, adj. An otherwise educated human being unable to verify the accuracy of, say, a restaurant check
ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy, and detraction.
IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting censorious critics of this dictionary.
IMMIGRANT, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country outside the USA as better than another.
IMMIGRATION PROBLEMS, n. A sure measure unknown to those countries, especially “Communist,” to which few mobile people ever wanted to move.
IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral.
IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.
IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of time between sin and punishment.
IMPIETY, n. Your irreverence toward my deity.
IMPOSITION, n. The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying on of hands—a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but performed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves.
INASTUTE: The temper of cynics who repeatedly miscalculate.
INCOMPATIBILITY, n. In matrimony the result of a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination.
INDIFFERENT, adj. Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things.
INDULGENCE, n. Excess both disciplined and undisciplined.
INDULGENCE, n. Excess both disciplined and undisciplined.
INFLAMMABLE, adj. A synonym for, surprise, flammable.
INFLUENCE, n. In politics, a visionary quo given in exchange for a substantial quid.
INGRATITUDE, n. Epitomized by the wayward child’s dismissal of his parents who had invested so much their money and time.
INJURY, n. An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight.
INJUSTICE, n. Of all the burdens that we load upon others and carry ourselves this is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the back.
INNATE, adj. Natural, inherent—as innate ideas, that is to say, ideas that we are born with, having had them previously imparted to us.
INSURANCE, n. An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.
INTELLECTUAL CLUBS, n. De facto universities sometimes more effective than institutions at conveying important learning.
Inter-service rivalries, n. An excuse doled out of would-be Napoleons for any military inefficiencies.
INTERREGNUM, n. The period during which a monarchical country is governed by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne. The experiment of letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most unhappy results from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it warm again.
INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.
INVERSION, n. A rich esthetic move not synonymous with perversion.
INVERSION, n. A rich esthetic move not synonymous with perversion, though sometimes incorporating it.
INVESTMENTS: Of all kinds necessary, if you expect to live past tomorrow.
JAIL, n. State-sponsored free lodging that’s more comfortable in most American climates than sleeping on the streets, which is also free, usually.
Join the Union, n. The surest way not to work more than eight hours per day.
JUMP, n. What powerful people can make others do.
JUSTICE, n. A commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.
Keynote address, n. An imaginative speech intend to display the speaker’s vocabulary of colorful words and warped conceptions of recent history.
KIDNAPPING, n. Risky activity worth doing only if the kidnapee is desirable to someone rich.
KILL, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.
KLEPTOMANIAC, n. A rich thief.
KNOWLEDGE: A limitless well from which none of us can ever drink enough.
KORAN, n. A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures.
LABOR, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
LAUGHTER, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable. Liability to attacks of laughter is one of the characteristics distinguishing man from the animals— these being not only inaccessible to the provocation of his example, but impregnable to the microbes having original jurisdiction in bestowal of the disease.
LAWFUL, adj. Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction.
LAWN, n. Green growths that look scarcely different from each other.
Laws, n. Documents conceived by lawyers for future interpretation by other lawyers for a fee.
LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.
LAZINESS, n. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.
LEARNING, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing those purportedly studious.
LECTIONARY, n. A more appropriate word for an alphabetical ordering that must be seen rather than heard.
LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.
LECTURN, n. A necessary prosthesis when a speaker feels that he won’t otherwise be heard.
LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears.
LIAR, n. A lawyer with a roving commission.
LIBEL, n. A legal fiction whose ulterior purpose is unacceptable censorship
LIBERAL, adj. Open to alternatives within strictly marked limits,
LIBERTY, n. An ideal both personal and political.
LIES: What everyone tells for one discreditable reason or another, usually necessary for ulterior purposes.
LIGHTHOUSE, n. A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of some politician.
LIMB, n. The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman.
LIME, n. A lemon dyed green and injected with acidic bitterness.
LITIGANT, n. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.
LITIGATION, n. A hideous machine which you enter as a pig and exit as a sausage.
LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious with.
LOCK-AND-KEY, n. A distinguishing device of civilization and enlightenment.
London Times, n. A newspaper so old-fashioned that one must turn to page 5 to read in quarter-inch headlines hat war has been declared.
LOQUACITY, n. A disorder that renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk.
LOVERS: What should be earned through friendship, rather than power and manipulation.
LUMINARY, n. One who throws light upon a subject, such as an editor by not writing about it.
LUNARIAN, n. An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished from Lunatic, one whom the moon inhabits.
MACE, n. A staff of some position signifying authority. The form of a heavy club indicates its original purpose and use in dissuading from dissent.
Made in Occupied Arkansas, n. A slogan on a bottle of 150-proof, grade-A moonshine.
Madisonowsky Prospect, n. The origin of all Soviet propaganda.
MAGIC, n. An art of converting superstition into coin. There are other arts serving the same high purpose, but the discreet lexicographer does not name them.
MAGNET, n. Something acted upon by magnetism.
MAGNETISM, n. Something acting upon a magnet.
MAGNIFICENT, adj. Having a grandeur or splendor superior to that to which the spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass to a rabbit or the glory of a glowworm to a maggot.
MAGNITUDE, n. Size. Magnitude being purely relative, nothing is large and nothing small. If everything in the universe were increased in bulk one thousand diameters nothing would be any larger than it was before, but if one thing remain unchanged all the others would be larger than they had been. To an understanding familiar with the relativity of magnitude and distance the spaces and masses of the astronomer would be no more impressive than those of the microscopist. For anything we know to the contrary, the visible universe may be a small part of an atom, with its component ions, floating in the life-fluid (luminiferous ether) of some animal. Possibly the wee creatures peopling the corpuscles of our own blood are overcome with the proper emotion when contemplating the unthinkable distance from one of these to another.
MAGPIE, n. A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk.
MAIDEN, n. A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found. The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to the part of her that is audible, bleating out of the field by the canary—which, also, is more portable.
MAJESTY, n. The state and title of a king. Regarded with a just contempt by the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great Incohonees and Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honorable orders of republican America.
MALE, n. A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers.
MALEFACTOR, n. The chief factor in the progress of the human race
MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.
MANNA, n. Imaginary nourishment.
MARKET BUBBLES, n. Balloons waiting to be popped, even if no one does.
MARRIAGE, n. State-licensing that, by making legal must better remain illegal, causes unnecessary complications and crime, much like psychiatric-licensing.
MARRIAGE, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.
MARTYR, n. One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a desired death
Mass-produced, adj. Manufactured by lower classes, which is to say the masses.
Massive retaliation, n. A phrase originated by a Madison Avenue ad man for an anti-bacteria toothpaste advertisement.
MAUSOLEUM, n. The final and funniest folly of the rich.
MEDAL, n. A small metal disk given as a reward for virtues, attainments or services more or less authentic.
MEDICINES, n. Liquids or pills that, when ingested, produce beneficial effects initially chemically, later psychologically.
MELBOURNE, n. Australia’s Boston comparable to Russia’s St. Petersburg and Uruguay’s Montevideo, each claiming a culture superior to its country’s predominant city, usually persuasive only to its own denizens.
MEMORIES: How what was is.
MEMORY: A taste machine that remembers what’s important while forgetting what is not, functioning involuntarily.
MENDACIOUS, adj. Addicted to rhetoric.
MERCHANT, n. One engaged in a commercial pursuit. A commercial pursuit is one in which the thing ultimately pursued is a dollar.
MERCY, n. An attribute beloved of detected offenders.
MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with.
MINE, adj. Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it.
MINOR, adj. Because smaller, less objectionable.
MIRACLE, n. An act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, such as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with your own four aces and a king.
MISCREANT, n. A person of the highest degree of unworth.
MISDEMEANOR, n. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a felony and thus constituting no claim to admittance into the highest criminal society.
MISFORTUNE, n. The kind of troublesome fortune that never misses.
MISS, n. The title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. Miss, Missis (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. In the general abolition of social titles in this our country they miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest Mush, abbreviated to Mh.
MOAT, n. An artificial rivulet that many freestanding-homeowners often wished they (we) had around even their tiniest castles.
Modern American education, n. the process of leaning how to conform, with facility.
Modern American Education, n. The process of learning how to conform, with facility.
MOLECULE, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular, and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation of precipitation of matter from ether—whose existence is proved by the condensation of precipitation. The present trend of scientific thought is toward the theory of ions. The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion. A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more about the matter than the others.
MONEY, n. A blessing that is of no value to us excepting when we part with it. An evidence of culture and a passport to polite society.
MONKEY, n. An arboreal animal at home in genealogical trees.
MONOSYLLABIC, adj. Composed of words of one syllable, for literary babes who never tire of testifying their delight in the vapid compound by appropriate googoogling. Such words are commonly Saxon—that is to say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions.
MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something that either needs no commemoration or cannot otherwise be commemorated.
MOUSE, n. A puny animal that strews its path with much larger fainting women. As in Rome Christians were thrown to the lions, so centuries earlier in Otumwee, the most ancient and famous city of the world, female heretics were thrown to the mice. Jakak-Zotp, the historian, the only Otumwump whose writings have descended to us, says that these martyrs met their death with little dignity and much exertion. He even attempts to exculpate the mice (such is the malice of bigotry) by declaring that the unfortunate women perished, some from exhaustion, some of broken necks from falling over their own feet, and some from lack of restoratives.
MUGWUMP, n. In politics someone afflicted with self-respect and addicted to the vice of independence and thus a term of contempt.
MULATTO, n. A child of two races, ashamed of both.
MULTIRADICAL, adj. An intellectual who has rethought many issues and domains differently.
MUSE, n. For the artist, a source of inspiration better looked at directly, than placed behind where shehe might become a distraction requiring attention.
MUSIC: The highest art, because at its best it articulates qualities unique to itself.
MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the American wife of an British nobleman.
National Association of Manufacturers, n. The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty of Big Business.
NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, though he does all he can to make us disobedient.
NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.
Nepotism, n. the belief in the principles advocated by C. Donald Nepot, a lonely old man with a big family and a heart of gold.
NIPPLES: In women more compelling than breasts, though rarely, if ever, augmented surgically.
NIRVANA, n. In the Buddhist religion, a state of pleasurable annihilation awarded to the wise, particularly to those wise enough to understand it.
NOCISSISM, n. Self-love denied.
NOISE, n. Stench engulfing an ear. Undomesticated music. A chief product and authenticating sign of civilization.
NOMINATE, v. To designate for the heaviest political assessment. To put forward a suitable person to incur the mudgobbling and deadcatting of the opposition.
NOMINEE, n. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of private life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of public office.
NON-COMBATANT, n. A dead Quaker.
NONEOFYOURBUSINESS, int. Four words made more pointed and elegant if spoken as one, especially in New York City.
NONSENSE, n. A sweeping broom for objections that are urged against this excellent dictionary that you are now reading.
NOTORIETY, n. The fame of a competitor for public recognition.
NOUMENON, n. That which exists, as distinguished from that which merely seems to exist, the latter being a phenomenon. As the noumenon is a bit difficult to locate, it can be apprehended only be a process of reasoning, which is itself a phenomenon.
NOVELLA, n. The most elastic prose genre.
NOVELS, n. Novellas strung together.
NUMBERS: A medium as communicative as words to those who are numerate.
NUMERALS, n. Signs made sensible only if verifiable.
OATH, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the conscience by a penalty for perjury.
OBAMA, n. The exemplification of isappointment based upon immaturity.
OBAMASM, n. The highly developed art of making attractive promises you can’t deliver and then trying to talk you way out of problems of your own creation.
OBSERVATORY, n. A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses of their predecessors.
OBSTACLES: What you must early master overcoming, because they will arise to challenge you, often by surprise, for your entire life.
OBSTINATE, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the splendor and stress of our advocacy. The popular exemplar and exponent of obstinacy is the mule, commonly regarded as a most intelligent animal.
OFFERING, n. A carillon out of tune
OMEN, n. A sign that something will happen if nothing happens.
ONCE, adv. Enough.
OPINIONS, n. The less common, the more interesting.
OPPORTUNITY, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.
OPPOSE, v. To assist with obstructions and objections.
OPPOSITION, n. In politics the party that prevents the official government from running amuck.
OPTIMISM, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including what looks ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything is right with what is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and is most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof—an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. Probably hereditary, it is fortunately not contagious.
OPTIMIST, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black must be white.
ORANGE, n. A pale citrus commonly dyed bright orange before it is delivered to American grocers.
ORCHESTRA CONDUCTOR, n. A totem who seems dispensable until several dozen musicians try to perform without him.
ORTHODOX, n. An ox wearing the popular religious yoke.
ORTHOGRAPHY, n. The science of spelling by the eye instead of the ear.
OSTENSIBLE, n. Not invisible.
OTHERWISE, adv. No better.
OUROBOROS, n. A snake eating its tail and, by extension, all similarly thin circular entities.
OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of the world upon which no government has been able to collect taxes.
OUTDO, v.t. To make an enemy.
OVERCOME, v. A result more desirable than undercome, especially in a romantic circumstance.
OVERWORK, n. A dangerous disorder affecting high corporate and sometmes public functionaries who want to go fishing.
OYSTER, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the hardihood to eat without removing its entrails, thus classified as traif or non-kosher for good reason.
PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to or happening in a human body, or may be purely mental, caused by misfortune to oneself or the good fortune of another.
PAINTING, n. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather while later exposing them to critics and collectors.
PALACE, n. A fine and costly residence, particularly hosting a great official. While the residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church is called a palace, the Founder of his religion resided in a field, or wayside. Measure thus progress spanning centuries?
PANTOMIME, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action.
PAPER, n. An especially beautiful artifact, especially if clean white and undefaced.
PARDON, v. To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude.
PASSPORT, n. A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage.
PATRIOT, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole and, therefore, the dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors.
PAVEMENT, n. Source of invisible feet-killers.
PERSEVERANCE, n. A lowly virtue enabling mediocrities to achieve an inglorious success.
PHILANTHROPIST, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while beggars are picking his pocket.
PHILISTINE, n. One whose mind is the creature of its environment, following the fashion in thought, feeling and sentiment. He is sometimes learned, frequently prosperous, commonly clean, and always solemn.
PHILOSOPHY, n. A map with many roads leading garrulously from nowhere to nothing.
PHOTOGRAPHY, n. The principal new medium of the 19th Century that rendered obsolete the painting of realistic pictures much as videography in the late 20th Century rendered filmed motion pictures obsolete.
PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.
PHYSIOGNOMY, n. The art of determining the character of another by the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which we have established as the standard of excellence.
PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by pressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.
PICTURE, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome in three.
PIE, n. An advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion.
PIETY, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed resemblance to man.
Pigeon hole, n. A deathbed for such necessary evil as budge cuts, increased dependency allowances, aid to education, and censures.
PISTOLS, n. A great equalizer for those physically disadvantaged, such as little old ladies.
PLAGIARISM, n. The intellectual sin of copying an earlier source without acknowledgment has become more problematic since the 21st-Century development of the Internet with its voluminous library of obscure sources.
PLAGIARISM, n. The theft of words better than the writer’s own becomes the implicit principle of most dictionaries.
PLAN, v.t. To bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result.
Plank, n. A piece of very soft wood with a history of collapsing.
PLEASE, v. A platitude designed to lay the foundation for a claim for imposition.
PLEASURE, n. A good feeling that customarily arises as a surprise.
PLEBISCITE, n. A popular vote offered to ascertain the will of the sovereign.
PLUNDER, v. To take the property of another without observing the decent and customary restraints of theft. To effect a change of ownership with the candid concomitance of a brass band.
POLITENESS, n. Hypocrisy with the slickest veneer.
Political analyst, n. A Monday morning quarterback.
POLITICIAN, n. Upon this eel in fundamental mud the superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles we mistake the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
POLITICIAN, n. Whoever’s skills at talking exceed those of doing.
POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
Pollster, n. A learned expert who can verify anything his employer wishes.
POLYANDRY, n. A bountiful possibility available to those born female, until recently.
POLYARTIST, n. My coinage, acknowledged by some other lexicographers, for someone who creates first-rank work in two or more non-adjacent arts (writing and painting, say, music and architecture).
POLYGAMY, n. A house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fitted with several stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, which has but one.
POP MUSIC, n. A genre of acoustic journalism meant to be hot now and cold later.
POP SONGS, n. Music journalism that even at its best is heard today and forgotten tomorrow.
POPULARITY, n. A limited achievement, less socially than professionally, unless accompanied by power.
PORTABLE, adj. Exposed to a mutable ownership through insecurities of possession.
POVERTY, n. A file provided for the teeth of the rats of reform. The number of plans for its abolition equals that of the reformers who suffer from it, plus that of the philosophers who know nothing about it. Its victims are distinguished, first, by possession of all the virtues and then by their faith in leaders seeking to conduct them into prosperity.
PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner who is confessedly unworthy.
PRECEDENT, n. In law, a previous decision, rule, or practice that, in the absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a Judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of doing as he pleases. As there are precedents for everything, he has only to ignore those that make against his interest and accentuate those in the line of his desire. Invention of a precedent purportedly elevates the trial-at-law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal to the noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament.
PRECIPITATE, adj. Anteprandial.
PREDESTINATION, n. The doctrine that all things occur according to some programme. This doctrine should not be confused with that of foreordination, which means that all things are programmed, but does not affirm their occurrence, that being only an implication from other doctrines by which this is entailed. The difference is great enough to have deluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore. With the distinction of the two doctrines kept well in mind, and a reverent belief in both, one may hope to escape perdition if spared.
PREDICTIONS, n. Inevitably insufficient, whether for the future of the stock market, a student’s potential, or tomorrow’s weather, because the future both near and far of everything includes surprises. That last truth is predictable.
PREJUDICE, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
PRESENT, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.
PRESENTABLE, adj. Hideously appareled in whatever manner fashionable in a certain time at a certain place.
PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American politics.
PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom— and of whom only—it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President.
PRICE, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it.
PRIMATE, n. If not generically monkeys, then the head of a church, especially a State church supported by government-enforced contributions. The Primate of England is the Archbishop of Canterbury, an amiable old gentleman, who occupies Lambeth Palace when living and Westminster Abbey when dead. Commonly he dies.
PRISON, n. The ultimate realization of the dream of equal social results in which all citizens wear the same clothing and have no spending money, regardless of earlier differences in their lives or social origins.
PRIZE, LITERARY, n. A token of someone’s appreciation, perhaps accompanied by money, that otherwise counts for nothing and thus is scarcely remembered, even by a writer’s colleagues, more than a week after its rewarding.
PROJECTILE, n. The final arbiter in international disputes. Formerly these disputes were settled by physical contact of the disputants, with such simple arguments as the rudimentary logic of the times could supply—the sword, the spear, and so forth. With the growth of prudence in military affairs projectiles came more and more into favor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous. Its principal defect is that it requires personal attendance at the point of propulsion.
PROOF-READER, n. A malefactor who atones for making your writing nonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible.
PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood, such as requiring the testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one.
PROOFREADER, n. The sidekick that every writer needs, especially if he has chronic problems with misspellings and typographical miscues.
PROSPERITY, n. A plateau realized in terms not only monetary.
PUBLISHING, n. Once restricted by self-financed gate-keepers, the activity of placing one’s words in a repository outside oneself becomes in the 21st Century, thanks to the Internet and other new technologies, open to everyone. Persuading potential readers to pay for what is freely published becomes more problematic.
PURCHASING, v. If for himself, the buyer pays attention to quality and price. If for another with his own money, he pays more attention to price than quality. If for himself with another’s money, he pays less attention to price than quality. If neither for himself nor with his own money, he’s the government.
PUSH, n. One of the two things mainly conducive to success in bureaucracies, the other being Pull.
QUEEN, n. A woman who rules a realm without a king and though him when there is.
QUEEN, n. The face of money in Britain and certain colonies.
QUILL, n. An implement of torture yielded by a goose and commonly wielded by an ass. This use of the quill is now obsolete, but its modern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same everlasting Presence.
QUIVER, n. A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments.
QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
QUOTIENT, n. A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging to one person is contained in the pocket of another—usually about as many times as it can be got there.
RABBLE, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority tempered by fraudulent elections.
RACK, n. An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth. At leveraging the unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and is now held in light popular esteem.
RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to where we are no better off. For this purpose the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits him to make the transit with great expedition.
RAILYARDS, n. Where trains go to sleep for the night.
RAIN, n. Desirable until it floods.
RAMSHACKLE, adj. Pertaining to a certain architectural signature otherwise known as the Normal American. Most of the public buildings of the United States were Ramshackle’s, though some of our earlier architects preferred the Ironic.
RANSOM, n. As the purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, nor can belong to the buyer, this is the most unprofitable of investments.
RASCAL, n. A fool considered under another aspect.
RASH, adj. Insensible to the value of our advice.
RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.
Rank and file voter, n. A man who forgets to register
RAVEL, v. A synonym for, surprise, unravel.
READING, n. A pleasure that, unlike sex, say, is never exhausting or depleting.
REALITY, n. No matter what is claimed, another man’s fantasy and a third man’s corn.
REASON, n. An intelligence no less limited than humor.
REASONABLE, adj. As accessible to the infection of our own opinions, so hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion, and evasion.
Recession, n. A period of time when the cost of living doesn’t rise.
RECOLLECT, v. To recall with additions something not previously known.
RECONCILIATION, n. A lull of hostilities, an armed truce, for the purpose of digging up the dead.
RECONSIDER, v. To seek some justification for a decision already made.
RECOUNT, n. In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded to the player against whom they are loaded.
RECTOR, n. In the Church of England, the Third Person of the parochial Trinity, the Curate and the Vicar being the other two.
REDEMPTION, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.
REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion.
REFLECTION, n. An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view of our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the perils that we shall not again encounter.
REFLECTION, n. Intelligence reconsidering itself.
RELATIVES (BLOOD), n. People best avoided, especially if they also live in one’s home city.
RELIGION, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
RENOWN, n. A degree of distinction between notoriety and fame—a little more supportable than the one and a little more intolerable than the other, sometimes conferred by an unfriendly and inconsiderate hand.
REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for righting a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it.
REPARTEE, n. Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with a constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition to offend.
REPENTANCE, n. The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment. It is usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not inconsistent with continuity of sin.
REPORTER, n. A writer guessing his way to some truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.
REPROBATION, n. In theology, the state of a luckless mortal prenatally damned. The doctrine of reprobation was taught by Calvin, whose joy in it was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity of his conviction that although some are foredoomed to perdition, others are predestined to salvation.
REPUBLIC, n. A nation in which, as the thing governing and the thing governed are the same, there is only a permitted authority to enforce an optional obedience. In a republic, the foundation of public order is the ever lessening habit of submission inherited from ancestors who, being truly governed, submitted because they had to. There are as many kinds of republics as there are graduations between the despotism whence they came and the anarchy whither they lead.
REPUTATION, n. An image inevitably temporary.
RESIDENT, adj. Unable to leave.
RESIGN, v.t. To renounce privilege for an advantage.
RESTITUTIONS, n. The founding or endowing of universities and public libraries by gift or bequest.
RESTIVE, adj. Not predisposed to laziness, counter-intuitively.
RETIREMENT, n. No doubt a goal for people who don’t like their “work” but not for those who of us spend most of their days with art and writing.
RETRIBUTION, n. A rain of fire-and-brimstone that falls alike upon the just and such of the unjust as have not procured shelter by evicting them.
RETURN, v. A decision more momentous than departure.
REVELATION, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing.
REVERENCE, n. The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man.
REVOLUTION, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. Specifically, in American history, the substitution of the rule of an Administration for that of a Ministry, whereby the welfare and happiness of the people were advanced a full half-inch. Revolutions are usually accompanied by a considerable effusion of blood, but are accounted worth it—this appraisement being made by beneficiaries whose blood had not the mischance to be shed.
RIBALDRY, n. Censorious language by another concerning oneself.
RIBROASTER, n. Censorious language by oneself concerning another. The word is of classical refinement, and is even said to have been used in a fable by Georgius Coadjutor, one of the most fastidious writers of the fifteenth century—commonly, indeed, regarded as the founder of the Fastidiotic School.
RICE-WATER, n. A mystic beverage secretly used by our most popular novelists and poets to regulate the imagination and narcotize the conscience. It is said to be rich in both obtundite and lethargine, and is brewed in a midnight fog by a fat which of the Dismal Swamp.
RICH, adj. Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the property of the indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious, and the luckless. That is the view that prevails in the underworld, where the Brotherhood of Man finds its most logical development and candid advocacy.
RIDICULE, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who utters them.
RIMER, n. A poet regarded with indifference or disesteem.
RITE, n. A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept or custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out of it.
ROGUE, n. Not to be confused with rouge, though the latter likewise makes different from what was.
ROTARY, n. An American social club whose members run rapidly in circles.
RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions lying due south from Boreaplas.
RUM, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.
RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon employed by assassins of character.
RUSSIA, n. A Third-World country with first world ambitions that can’t be realized.
RUSSIAN, n. A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. A Tartar Emetic.
SACRAMENT, n. A solemn religious ceremony to which several degrees of authority and significance are attached. Rome has seven sacraments, but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can afford only two, and these of inferior sanctity. Some of the smaller sects have no sacraments at all—for which mean economy they will indubitably be damned.
SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.
SALACITY, n. A certain literary quality frequently observed in popular novels, especially in those written by women and young girls, who give it another name and think that in introducing it they are occupying a neglected field of letters and reaping an overlooked harvest.
SATIETY, n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten its contents, madam.
SAW, n. A trite popular saying, or proverb. (Figurative and colloquial.) So called because it makes its way into a wooden head.
SCIENCE, n. An endeavor that most of us would like to trust more.
SCRAP-BOOK, n. A book that is commonly edited by a fool. Many persons of some small distinction compile scrap-books containing whatever they happen to read about themselves or employ others to collect.
SCRIPTURES, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
SEAL, n. A mark impressed upon certain kinds of documents to attest their authenticity and authority. Sometimes it is stamped upon wax, and attached to the paper, sometimes into the paper itself. Sealing, in this sense, is a survival of an ancient custom of inscribing important papers with cabalistic words or signs to give them a magical efficacy independent of the authority that they represent.
SEDUCTION, n. A conclusion perhaps imaginary.
SEDUCTION: Unavailable to most, a thrill to some (including me).
Segregation, n. The issue most likely to bring the needed realignment of the major parties along more strictly conservative and liberal lines.
SELF-DEFEATING: Behaviors strictly for those rich and/or privileged.
SELF-ESTEEM, n. An erroneous appraisement.
SELF-PUBLISHING, n. The cornerstone of literary/intellectual freedom.
SELFISH, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
SENATE, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors.
Shorter work week, n. A measure designed to permit a busy worker to pay two sets of union dues by allowing him to hold two jobs.
SIN, n. Negative behavior frequently reclassified over time.
SIREN, n. One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attempt to dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave. Figuratively, any lady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose and disappointing performance.
SLANG, n. The grunt of the human hog (Pignoramus intolerabilis) with an audible memory. The speech of one who utters with his tongue what he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator in accomplishing the feat of a parrot. A means (under Providence) of setting up as a wit without a capital of sense.
SLAVERY, n. Unfreedom that is more costly than anticipated to everyone involved.
SLEEP: One of life’s greatest no-cost pleasures.
SMITHAREEN, n. A fragment, a decomponent part, a remain.
SMUG, adj. Capable of screwing oneself without recognizing that you’ve done so until much later.
SO, adj. A more emphatic as, or vice versa.
SOLE, n. A fish without friends.
SORCERY, n. The ancient prototype and forerunner of political influence. It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes was punished by torture and death.
Southern Democrat, n. Midwestern Republication spelled backwards.
SPIDER, n. Nothing else can more reliably frighten sentient entities one thousand times larger.
SPRINGBOARD DIVING, n. The closest most of us will ever get to flying unaided.
SPRINT, v. Better for reading than writing.
Statehood for Hawaii, n. A proposed change that Congressmen like to examine during their vacations.
STINK, v. The present tense of stunk and past tense of skunk.
STOCK MARKET, n. The epitome of chaos that is resolved daily.
STRAWBERRY, n. A shrunken pear dyed bright red.
STUMBLEBUM, n. A homeless person who frequently kisses the ground on which he or she walks.
STUPIDITY, n. Feigned ignorance only if you can afford it.
SUBWAY, n. A transport system that decisively separates the tolerable cities from those experienced as intolerable.
SUDDEN, adj. Genuinely surprising, beyond everyone’s expectations, such as a power plant’s exploding or an earthquake.
SUFFERNING, n. A waste unless you can get some government to pay for it.
SUNSET, n. Darkness’s prelude.
SUNSHINE, n. As one of Nature’s best no-cost pleasures, the best cure for many ails both physical and psychological.
SURVIVAL, n. All you need to do in the life awarded to you.
SUSTAIN, v. Survive economically.
SYCOPHANT, n. One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he may not be commanded to turn and be kicked. He is sometimes an editor.
SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor assumption and an inconsequent.
SYLPH, n. An immaterial but visible being that inhabited the air when the air was an element and before it was fatally polluted with factory smoke, sewer gas and similar products of civilization. Sylphs were allied to gnomes, nymphs and salamanders, which dwelt, respectively, in earth, water and fire, all now insalubrious. Sylphs, like fowls of the air, were male and female, to no purpose, apparently, for if they had progeny they must have nested in accessible places, none of the chicks having ever been seen.
SYMBOLIC, adj. Pertaining to symbols and the use and interpretation of symbols.
SYNCOPATION, n. Indigenous African-American rhythm that, since it can’t be annotated, most white American musicians and nearly all Europeans cannot do.
TAKE, v.t. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.
TALK, v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an impulse without purpose.
TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.
TELEPHONE, n. An invention of the devil that undermines some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to
TENACITY, n. A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to the coin of the realm. It attains its highest development in the hand of authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in politics
TESTS, n. None measure anything more than how well a testee did on that particular test at the time he took it, in spite of claims to be either definitive or predictive.
the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell summoning us to the sacrifice.
THE GREAT GERMAN JOKEBOOK, n. A stapled typescript several pages “thick.”
These two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge.
Thomas Jefferson, n. A legendary American claimed to be the founder of the Democratic Party, the Republican Party, and, posthumously even, the Boy Scouts.
THREATENED RETALIATION, n. The principal means for keeping peace between large countries since the end of WWII.
TIME: All that is bestowed on you in life, to utilize as optimally as you can.
TODAY, n. All that lies between yesterday and tomorrow
TOPE, v. To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig. In the individual, toping is regarded with disesteem, but toping nations are in the forefront of civilization and power. When pitted against the hard-drinking Christians the abstemious Mahometans go down like grass before the scythe. In India one hundred thousand beef-eating and brandy-and-soda guzzling Britons hold in subjection two hundred and fifty million vegetarian abstainers of the same Aryan race. With what an easy grace the whisky-loving American pushed the temperate Spaniard out of his possessions! From the time when the Berserkers ravaged all the coasts of western Europe and lay drunk in every conquered port it has been the same way: everywhere the nations that drink too much are observed to fight rather well and not too righteously.
TOUCH TYPING, n. If reading was the most useful competence developed in elementary school, this was the best result from high school, especially in America, because in the age of the home computer touch typing is advantageous nearly every time the machine is opened.
TREE, n. A tall vegetable intended by nature to serve as a penal apparatus, though through a miscarriage of justice most trees bear only a negligible fruit, or none at all. When naturally fruited, the tree is a beneficent agency of civilization and an important factor in public morals. In the stern West and the sensitive South its fruit (white and black respectively) though not eaten, is agreeable to the public taste and, though not exported, profitable to the general welfare.
TRIAL, n. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates, and jurors. In order to effect this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the person of one who is called the defendant, the prisoner, or the accused. If the contrast is made sufficiently clear this person is made to undergo such an affliction as will give the virtuous gentlemen a comfortable sense of their immunity, added to that of their worth. In our day the accused is usually a human being, or a socialist, but in mediaeval times, animals, fishes, reptiles and insects were brought to trial. A beast that had taken human life, or practiced sorcery, was duly arrested, tried and, if condemned, put to death by the public executioner.
TRINITY, n. In the multiplex theism of certain Christian churches, three entirely distinct deities consistent with only one. Subordinate deities of the polytheistic faith, such as devils and angels, are not dowered with the power of combination, and must urge individually their claims to adoration and propitiation. The Trinity is one of the most sublime mysteries of our holy religion. In rejecting it because it is incomprehensible, Unitarians betray their inadequate sense of theological fundamentals. In religion we believe only what we do not understand, except in the instance of an intelligible doctrine that contradicts an incomprehensible one. In that case we believe the former as a part of the latter.
TRUCE, n. Friendship.
TRUST, n. Extended to those you need not contract, which many fail to do much too often.
TRUST, n. In American politics, a large corporation composed in greater part of thrifty working men, widows of small means, orphans in the care of guardians, and the courts, with many similar malefactors and public enemies.
Truth, n. A salable commodity, as some truth sells better than other truth.
TRUTH, n. An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance. Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the most ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of existing with increasing activity to the end of time.
TRUTHFUL, adj. Dumb and illiterate.
TURKEY, n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good eating.
TURNTABLE, n. A mechanical prerequisite to amplified sound.
TWICE, adv. Once too often.
TYPE, n. Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroying civilization and enlightenment, despite their obvious agency in this incomparable dictionary.
UBIQUITY, n. The gift or power of being in all places at one time, but not in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, an attribute of God and the luminiferous ether only. This important distinction between ubiquity and omnipresence was not clear to the mediaeval Church and there was much bloodshed about it
UGLINESS, n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without humility.
ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.
UNDERLING, n. Whomever overlings push over with impunity.
UNDERSTANDING, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and Kant, who lived in a horse.
UNEMPLOYMENT, n. The ultimate social goal not only for myself but everyone.
UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith.
UP, n. Down’s observe or inversion or misdirection—pick one?
UPHEAVAL, n. Would be opposite of downheaval if the latter word existed.
UPPER WEST SIDE, n. An area of Manhattan plagued by such intellectual diseases as smug ignorance, vulgarities, and a claim, believed only by its denizens, that they constitute a cultural 1% who can look with disdain upon the larger world that couldn’t care less.
UPPITY, adj. A quality developed by underlings unawares of their socially assigned place.
UPSTAGE, v. t. Self-aggrandizement, possible only in certain circumstances.
URBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to dwellers in all cities but New York.
VALLEYS, n. Where the sun naps during cloudless daytimes.
VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass.
VANQUISHED, adj. Defeated, perhaps in print only.
VIDEO, n. An archaic technology used by many but very well by only a few.
VIRTUES, n.pl. Certain abstentions.
VITUPERATION, n. Saite, as understood by dunces and all such as suffer from an impediment in their wit.
VULGARITY, n. Foul behavior or speech by people unaware that they are foul.
W (double U) has, of all the letters in our alphabet, the only cumbrous name, the names of the others being monosyllabic.
Wall Street, n. A lane with a history of illustrating the strengths and weaknesses of capitalism.
WALL STREET, n. A symbol for sin for every devil to rebuke. That Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven.
WAR, n. A by-product of the arts of peace. The most menacing political condition, especially for militaries, is a period of international amity. Throughout history the greatest waste of lives and money.
WAS, v. Is past.
WASTE, n. Haste’s likely issue.
WEATHER, n. The climate of the hour. A permanent topic of conversation among persons whom it does not interest, but who have inherited the tendency to chatter about it from naked arboreal ancestors whom it keenly concerned. The setting up official weather bureaus and their maintenance in mendacity prove that even governments are accessible to suasion by the rude forefathers of the jungle.
WEDDING, n. A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.
WEREWOLF, n. A wolf that was once, or is sometimes, a man. All werewolves are of evil disposition, having assumed a bestial form to gratify a beastial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, are as humane and is consistent with an acquired taste for human flesh.
WHAT, int. An inquisitive favored by foreigners who have learned American English, as distinct from the “pardon” favored by those who have learned from Brits and the “eh” favored by native Canadians.
WHEAT, n. A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can with some difficulty be made, and which is used also for bread. The French are said to eat more bread per capita of population than any other people, which is natural, for only they know how to make the stuff palatable.
WIT, n. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.
WITCH, n. (1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.
WOMEN, n. Venerated as both a sexual object and an esthetic object.
WORD-OF-MOUTH, adj. Beyond the hired “claque” in the opera house, this epitomizes authentically populist publicity.
WRITING, n. An archaic technology used by many but very well by only a few.
YOUKNOW, int. A scarcely uncommon unemphatic explicative .
ZENITH, n. The point in the heavens directly overhead to a man standing or a growing cabbage. A man in bed or a cabbage in the pot is not considered as having a zenith, though from this view of the matter there was once a considerably dissent among the learned, some holding that the posture of the body was immaterial. These were called Horizontalists, their opponents, Verticalists. The Horizontalist heresy was finally extinguished by Xanobus, the philosopher-king of Abara, a zealous Verticalist. Entering an assembly of philosophers who were debating the matter, he cast a severed human head at the feet of his opponents and asked them to determine its zenith, explaining that its body was hanging by the heels outside. Observing that it was the head of their leader, the Horizontalists hastened to profess themselves converted to whatever opinion the Crown might be pleased to hold, and Horizontalism took its place among fides defuncti.
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