Shame as the Master Emotion: Examples from Pop Songs
by Thomas J. Scheff (April 2011)
We are rarely proud when we are alone.
— Voltaire
It is difficult to understand the importance of shame in modern societies because we live inside an ethos that is highly individualistic and focused on exterior matters. When interior matters are viewed, thought and perception are recognized, but little attention is given to emotions and relationships. This essay focuses on the social-emotional world, and proposes that shame should be considered the master emotion. The idea will be illustrated by lyrics chosen from the Top40 popular songs over the last eighty years. The last section is a brief discussion of steps toward managing shame in a way that might improve our relationships and our society.
Taking the Role of the Other
Connectedness
Various degrees of connect and disconnect may be both cause and effect of most emotions. Human beings need to be connected with others as much as they need air to breathe, a social oxygen. Disconnected from others, one is alone in the universe. Deep connection, even if only momentary, can feel like union, not only with the other(s) but also with groups, even large groups. Varying degrees of disconnect at the level of individuals and of groups lead to a vast array of problems, large and small.
I will treat degree of connectedness and emotion as the main dimensions of the social-emotional world. Although these domains are closely linked, they are separate entities. The first dimension is more primitive and harder to envision than the emotions, because it is usually taken for granted.
The idea of an intersubjective component in consciousness has come up frequently in philosophy and the social sciences, but the implications are seldom explored. As Cooley (1922) suggested, mind-reading is usually taken for granted, to the point of invisibility.
John Dewey used still another term, shared experience. He proposed that it formed the core of communication and therefore of humanness:
This formulation by Dewey, because of its expansive extravagance, entertainingly contradicts the individualist ethos of modern societies, with its emphasis not only on solitary individuals, but also on thought and the material world, rather than the social-emotional one.
Shame is Social and Individual in Equal Measure
Shame, like most emotions, is more or less hidden in modern societies. It is too shameful to even think about, much less discuss. When shame is addressed, even by experts, it is usually considered to be completely internal. However, a brilliant psychoanalyst, Helen Block Lewis (1971), provided a conception of shame that is equally social and individual. She proposed that shame is a signal of threat to the bond. This idea would give shame a social dimension as well as an internal one. Similarly, genuine pride (as contrasted with false pride, egotism) is a signal of a secure bond (connectedness). This idea includes the individualist one, since most of our positive feelings about ourselves involve reaching goals that are also held by others.
The way in which Cooley linked intersubjective connectedness, on the one hand, with pride and shame, on the other, suggests ubiquity of both pride and shame. However, his examples, many of which are not included above, all involve shame rather than pride. Why?
Modern societies, built as they are upon a foundation of the mobile, self-reliant individual, rather than the group, are highly alienated, and therefore rife with shame or its anticipation:
In addition to its haunting presence, shame can be considered the master emotion for other reasons as well. One is that shame could be the driving force in our moral lives: it is a sense of shame that propels conscience. Moral thoughts not backed up by a sense of shame have little weight because they are mere thoughts, lost in the galaxy of other thoughts.
Finally, shame can be considered to be the master emotion because it controls the expression and even our recognition of our other emotions, and surprisingly, of shame itself. This idea with respect to other emotions will be illustrated in the discussion of pop song lyrics that touch on the taboo against men crying, below. The idea of shame about shame turns out to be important for understanding violence, which will also be discussed below.
To sum up, I will treat shame as the master emotion because of its ubiquity in human experience, its role as the force behind conscience, and as the regulator of all of our emotions, including shame itself.
Shame Implied in Pop Song Lyrics
Although the word shame is seldom mentioned, pop lyrics also often convey the private and public shame, embarrassment, and humiliation of being rejected. Usually heartbreak songs imply shame indirectly, sub rosa.
(Tonight I Wanna Cry, 2004)
The phrase about pride is a common way of implying shame indirectly. It refers to the embarrassment most men experience if they cry or even feel like crying. Men are trained to believe that crying is unmanly, as is the expression of fear, shame, and even anger. More anger is expressed by men then other emotions because it is least shameful. Even so, for most men, most of their anger is probably suppressed.
In this lyric, shame is implied more strongly:
(Nobody Knows 1996)
Here I stand head in hand
Turn my face to the wall
If she's gone I can't go on
Feeling two foot small
Everywhere people stare
each and every day
I can see them laugh at me
And I hear them say
Although shrewd and attractive, this song never made it to the Top40, even in England, and probably never will, since it is explicit about shame. It implies that feelings of shame inevitably accompany genuine love. This song names the emotion that so many songs hide, and hints at its close association with love.
Shame as the Shadow of Love
The main emotional risk of loving may be not only the desperate grief of dramatic loss. The song by Harvey recognizes shame, as well as grief, as the main emotions in romantic relationships. Shame is the shadow of love. This observation may point to the answer to a difficult question concerning emotional pain. How can it be experienced as unbearable?
This quotation provides a hint.
Managing Shame
The second step is less obvious. Once shame has been acknowledged to self or self and other, what would be the best way of resolving it? This idea has two parts (Scheff 1979, 183-203). The first is freely talking about the feeling of shame, sometimes at great length. The second step, which may come quickly or only after much talk, is laughing about the incident. Deep humiliation, particularly, often requires a great deal of talk about the shameful events before one can see the humor in them.
It is important to note that a particular kind of laughter is required to resolve shame. I call it a good laugh, parallel to a good cry. It must be involuntary, and directed at self (Silly me!). Laughing at others is usually an expression of ridicule and anger, rather than a resolution of shame. I have seen many instances of good laughs in my classes on emotion, by asking students to tell the group about their most embarrassing moments. Many of the students get so convulsed with laughter that they can hardly finish the story.
Unfortunately, the hiding of shame in song lyrics provides a language for the listeners that can help them deny their own shame and that of others in real life. This practice seems to both reflect and reinforce the denial of emotion in the larger society.
In pop song lyrics, emphasis on extreme situations and disguising shame ignores the many subtle emotional risks that accompany even requited love. For example, whether the relationship is short or long, loving someone more, even slightly more, than they love you can give rise to shame. Another possibility is that in loving another person, one becomes more susceptible to their disdain.
Jealousy is one obvious example of the risks involved in loving. The slightest hints of detachment can trigger it. For example, you and your lover are talking to your friend at a party about a film all three of you have seen. For a few seconds, you notice that your lover and your friend are making eye contact with each other as they excitedly talk about the film, more than with you. You feel excluded, if only briefly, but enough to trigger your jealousy. For that brief period, you feel intense pains of betrayal by your lover, and anger, even hatred, toward the friend.
Close relationships can be much more comforting, but also much more upsetting than other relationships. Most Top 40 pop songs provide an idealized and therefore unrealistic picture of love. It is portrayed as a safe haven from all pain, which it is not. It both protects from and generates emotional pain.
Conclusion
This essay has briefly explored the shame world in modern societies, with examples from the lyrics of pop songs. It seems that shame is largely hidden, and that the act of hiding is profoundly damaging to individuals, groups, and our whole civilization. Some suggestions for bringing shame into the open are briefly discussed.
References:
Dewey, John. 1925. Experience and Nature. Mineola, NY: Dover
Goffman, Erving. 1959. Presentation of Self in Everyday Life. New York: Anchor.
Kaufman, Gershen. 1996. The Psychology of Shame. New York: Springer.
Kaufman, Gershen, and Lev Raphael. 1984. Shame as Taboo in American Culture. Pp. 57-64 in Ray Browne (Editor), Forbidden Fruits: Taboos and Tabooism in Culture. Bowling Green: Bowling Green University Press.
Lewis, Helen Block. 1971. Shame and Guilt in Neurosis. New York: International Universities Press.
Mead, G. H. 1934. Mind, Self, and Society. Chicago: University of Chicago Press.
Rosenblatt, Paul. 2009. Shared Obliviousness in Family Systems. Albany: State University of New York Press.
Scheff, Thomas. 1979. Catharsis in Healing, Ritual, and Drama. Berkeley: University of California.
Websdale, Neil. 2010. Familicidal Hearts: The Emotional Style of 211 Killers. Oxford: Oxford University Press.
Zerubavel, E. 2006. The Elephant in the Room: Silence and Denial in Everyday Life. New York: Oxford University Press.
What's Love Got to Do with It?: The Emotional World of Popular Songs (Boulder: Paradigm Publishers) 2011
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