The Seventy-Two Virgin Question

Second prize – pearly boys. Third prize – Pearly Queens.

Welcome to the Religion of Prizes. Fabulous celestial treats to be won. Nothing to lose but your life. From The Telegraph: 

An interfaith game show, which sees different religious groups competing against each other for cash prizes, is to be launched in Britain, it was reported on Tuesday.

Faith Off has been commissioned by the digital TV station the Islam Channel in a bid to foster good relations and better understanding between different faiths.

The show is expected to feature all of the flashing lights, buzzers, puns and cheesy smiles common to ordinary game shows. But instead of questions about celebrities and soaps, contestants will be expected to demonstrate their religious knowledge.

Two teams of four people will compete in each episode of the eight-part series, which will be hosted by Muslim comedian Jeff Mirza.

As well as being challenged to identify key figures such as the Dalai Lama and the Pope from grainy images, there will be multiple choice questions where contestants answer questions about their own, or another contestant’s religion.

Multiple choice is good. In Islam you have multiple choices:

You, the infidel, are invited to Islam. Do you:

A.     Convert?

B.     Submit to life as a dhimmi?

C.     Die?

Fill in the blanks:

There is no god but —— and Mohammed is his last —-

A.     Money. Profit.

B.     Allah. Prophet.

C.     I don’t worship him. Mohican.

There’s more. Fingers on buzzers please, and those seventy-two virgins could be yours:

Why must you put your right shoe on before your left?

A.     Because it’s easier – God will lighten your burden.

B.     Because it’s harder – a cross you must bear.

C.     Because Mohammed did.

How old was Aisha when fifty-two-year-old Mohammed, PBUH, consummated his marriage to her?

A.     Sixteen

B.     Nine

C.     Six

Answer – B, of course. You answered C? Are you saying he (S.A.W.) was some kind of pervert?

The Koran says “there is no compulsion in religion” and also that Muslims must “slay the unbelievers”. How do you explain this?

A.     The sword verses came later and the earlier verses were abrogated.

B.     The Koran was written by different people, and possibly adapted from a Syriac text.

C.     Allah, t’ala, knows best. Don’t ask awkward questions, infidel dog.

You are stoning an adulteress. What size of stone do you use?

A.     Very small. You don’t want to hurt her; merely to send a message that adultery is not acceptable.

B.     Very large. You want to kill her quickly to spare her prolonged suffering.

C.     Neither large nor small. For Islam is a Religion of the Middle Way.

Which of the following statements is/are true?

1.     Muslim men are allowed up to four wives.

2.     Mohammed was a Muslim man.

3.     Mohammed had up to eleven wives

Think carefully, as a wrong answer may fuel Muslim extremism. Now have a go:

A.     1 and 2 only

B.     2 and 3 only

C.     1, 2 and 3.

If you answered A or B, you are thinking like an infidel. Reasoning is kufr, and Allah S.W.T. knows best.

“Then which of the bounties of your Lord will ye deny?”

A.     All of them

B.     None of them

C.    A fair few of them

D.    Only the ones He (S.W.T.) wants me to

If you answered D, you are hedging your bets. Perhaps you are taking the mick. Allah S.W.T. loves not the bet-hedgers and the mick-takers.

Muslims know the answer to this question, but they will not tell us. If you convert and get the lowdown, keep schtum, and Allah knows best.

Now for a practical question. Imagine you are an Imam. A Muslim comes to you for advice on an serious problem:

“I am a muslim male. I offer every prayer (5 times a day) in the masjid alhamdulillah. My problem is that I pass wind almost whenever I make wudu and leave for the masjid. So everytime I renew the wudu after reaching the masjid. I feel that I lose the reward of going to masjid with wudu(one good deed and one bad deed forgiven with each step). And worst of all I miss the fazeelat of the first row of the masjid. Because even if I reach 10 minutes before Jamaa’t. I invariably break my wudu just before salaah starts and I have to rush back to make wudu and join salaah later. This is not must, but happens more than 50% of the time and even the rest of the time, I am so worried that after coming to the masjid, I sit in the back rows so that if i have to leave I can do so without disturbing many people.

“My question is if I make one wudu after coming to masjid, is it enuf for me to offer one full salaat with imam.(so that I can offer in first row).

“Another would be, if during salaat i break my wudu, do i compulsarily have to leave the prayer to make wudu. It would be very difficult for me to do that everytime because I fear i would be the laughing stock of my friends who are with me. This problem is psychological I guess as when iam out or playing I dont break wind as frequently.

“I read similar questions on the forum where mufti sahab has said ” it may be your doubt that u passed wind”, for me its not a doubt, i dont hear or smell but Iam sure I broke it. Please guide me and help me offer salaat with a piece of mind.

“Also, wat do i do when iam reciting quran and break wind? leave and come back.?? again in public its embarassing for a person like me. but i will bear that if shariah doesnt give me any option.”

What advice would you give the Brother?

A.     For crying out loud, get a spellchecker.

B.     For the sake of the ozone layer, get some Wind-eeze.

C.     For the love of God, get a life.

D.     In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful: If you made wuzu when you arrived at the musjid and you are certain that your wuzu broke, you will have to repeat your wuzu to perform salah. The same ruling is for reciting the Quran. Almighty Allah knows your intention and zeal to walk to the musjid with wuzu and perform salah in the first row. Inshallah, you will be rewarded for that, in spite of you performing salah in the last row.You should consider performing wuzu just before salah commences so that your wuzu will last longer and till the end of salah. If you wuzu breaks while performing salah, you should not feel embarrassed before your friends and colleagues.

How is it that Muslims, “the best of peoples”, are such a long way behind the infidels?

A.     Inshallah fatalism

B.     Dependency on oil money

C.     Israel

Which is the biggest country in the world?

A.     Russia

B.     Canada

C.     Israel

Which is the wickedest country in the world? 

A.     Zimbabwe

B.     Burma

C.     Israel

You are a Palestinian martyr manqué. Where would you prefer to be treated for your work injuries?

A.     Gaza

B.     Egypt

C.     Israel

If you have answered C to the last four questions, how do you reconcile your answers?

A.     Good point. You may be onto something.

B.     It’s a Jewish conspiracy to ensnare the believers.

C.     Alla, t’ala knows best. Die, infidel dog. Die, infidel dog.

D.     Die, infidel dog.

E.     Ker-boom!

….is the correct answer. Those seventy-two virgins are all yours. Hang on …. it’s the Producer…what’s that? Seventy-two raisins?

To comment on this article, and to send in your own questions, please click here. A prize may or may not be given for the best suggestion, but virtue is its own reward – except in Islam.

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Mary Jackson contributes regularly to The Iconoclast, our Community Blog. Click here to see all her contributions, on which comments are welcome.