What’s in a Name?

by Norman Berdichevsky (November 2010)

 

 

                  

             

 

 

ethnic Americans, characterized by long family names, are among the country’s most loyal citizens yet we are often unwittingly maligned today. We constantly meet with looks of incomprehension from bureaucrats and sales personnel who give up at pronouncing or spelling them.

 

There were a little boy and a little girl sitting together with their lunch boxes and hers said Mary Jones on it, while his said Tommy Popski. In the end, I remember them walking away together holding hands (innocently, of course). The cartoon figures were charming, the melody easy to hum along with and I had the sensation that someone in the government or a position of authority was actually acting on my behalf.

 

A ski, a witz, an off or cu
When added to a name,
Just teaches us the family
Or town from which it came.

A name like Thomas Jefferson
In some lands o’er the sea
Would not be Thomas Jefferson,
But Thomas Jefferski.

Or Jefferwitz, or Jefferoff or maybe Jeffercu,
So do not let a ski, a witz or off seem strange to you.

I feel the same towards every name
No matter how it ends,
‘Cause people with the strangest names
Can be the best of friends!

 

 

 

 

CENSUS DATA

 

 

  NAME            

                    A       B       C         D            E       F        G     H      J    K

 

SMITH 1 2376206 880.85 880.85 73.35 22.22 0.4 0.85 1.63 1.56
JOHNSON 2 1857160 688.44 1569.3 61.55 33.8 0.42 0.91 1.82 1.5
WILLIAMS 3 1534042 568.66 2137.96 48.52 46.72 0.37 0.78 2.01 1.6
BROWN 4 1380145 511.62 2649.58 60.71 34.54 0.41 0.83 1.86 1.64
JONES 5 1362755 505.17 3154.75 57.69 37.73 0.35 0.94 1.85 1.44
MILLER 6 1127803 418.07 3572.82 85.81 10.41 0.42 0.63 1.31 1.43
DAVIS 7 1072335 397.51 3970.33 64.73 30.77 0.4 0.79 1.73 1.58
GARCIA 8 858289 318.17 4288.5 6.17 0.49 1.43 0.58 0.51 90.81
RODRIGUEZ 9 804240 298.13 4586.62 5.52 0.54 0.58 0.24 0.41 92.7
WILSON 10 783051 290.27 4876.9 69.72 25.32 0.46 1.03 1.74 1.73
MARTINEZ 11 775072 287.32 5164.22 6.04 0.52 0.6 0.64 0.46 91.72
ANDERSON 12 762394 282.62 5446.83 77.6 18.06 0.48 0.7 1.59 1.58
TAYLOR 13 720370 267.04 5713.87 67.8 27.67 0.39 0.75 1.78 1.61
THOMAS 14 710696 263.45 5977.33 55.53 38.17 1.63 1.01 2 1.66
HERNANDEZ 15 706372 261.85 6239.18 4.55 0.38 0.65 0.27 0.35 93.81
MOORE 16 698671 259 6498.17 68.85 26.92 0.37 0.65 1.7 1.5
MARTIN 17 672711 249.37 6747.54 77.47 15.3 0.71 0.94 1.59 3.99
JACKSON 18 666125 246.93 6994.47 41.93 53.02 0.31 1.04 2.18 1.53
THOMPSON 19 644368 238.87 7233.34 72.48 22.53 0.44 1.15 1.78 1.62
WHITE 20 639515 237.07 7470.4 67.91 27.38 0.39 1.01 1.76 1.55
LOPEZ 21 621536 230.4 7700.81 5.85 0.61 1.04 0.47 0.52 91.51
LEE 22 605860 224.59 7925.4 40.09 17.41 37.83 1.03 2.3 1.34
GONZALEZ 23 597718 221.57 8146.97 4.76 0.37 0.38 0.18 0.33 93.99
HARRIS 24 593542 220.02 8366.99 53.88 41.63 0.36 0.65 2.02 1.45
CLARK 25 548369 203.28 8570.27 76.84 18.53 0.41 0.94 1.6 1.68
LEWIS 26 509930 189.03 8759.3 60.97 33.83 0.45 1.14 1.97 1.64
ROBINSON 27 503028 186.47 8945.77 51.34 44.1 0.37 0.51 1.99 1.68
WALKER 28 501307 185.83 9131.61 61.25 34.17 0.35 0.83 1.8 1.6
PEREZ 29 488521 181.09 9312.7 5.95 0.48 1.18 0.26 0.48 91.65
HALL 30 473568 175.55 9488.25 75.11 20.75 0.48 0.63 1.63 1.4
YOUNG 31 465948 172.73 9660.97 68.91 23.79 2.95 0.73 1.93 1.69
ALLEN 32 463368 171.77 9832.74 70.24 25.14 0.41 0.83 1.77 1.62
SANCHEZ 33 441242 163.57 9996.31 5.77 0.5 1.01 0.49 0.45 91.78
WRIGHT 34 440367 163.24 10159.55 68.3 27.36 0.4 0.66 1.75 1.52
KING 35 438986 162.73 10322.28 72.8 22.02 0.88 0.97 1.71 1.62
SCOTT 36 420091 155.73 10478.01 62.6 32.26 0.41 1.15 1.9 1.68
GREEN 37 413477 153.27 10631.29 59.33 36.23 0.34 0.61 1.78 1.71
BAKER 38 413351 153.23 10784.51 82.08 13.63 0.45 0.83 1.54 1.47
ADAMS 39 413086 153.13 10937.64 76.17 19.2 0.45 0.79 1.63 1.76
NELSON 40 412236 152.81 11090.46 80.29 14.93 0.51 1.09 1.49 1.68
HILL 41 411770 152.64 11243.1 66.83 28.42 0.42 0.91 1.78 1.64
RAMIREZ 42 388987 144.2 11387.3 4.4 0.29 0.97 0.27 0.4 93.67
CAMPBELL 43 371953 137.88 11525.18 76.47 19.13 0.43 0.65 1.67 1.65
MITCHELL 44 367433 136.21 11661.38 63.55 31.52 0.39 0.98 1.93 1.63
ROBERTS 45 366215 135.75 11797.14 79.56 15.86 0.47 0.85 1.67 1.58
CARTER 46 362548 134.4 11931.53 60.51 34.99 0.39 0.71 1.88 1.52
PHILLIPS 47 351848 130.43 12061.96 78.95 16.36 0.45 0.99 1.68 1.58
EVANS 48 342237 126.87 12188.83 70.65 25.05 0.4 0.68 1.67 1.55
TURNER 49 335663 124.43 12313.26 66.67 29.31 0.33 0.56 1.72 1.4
TORRES 50 325169 120.54 12433.8 6.05 0.58 1.42 0.26 0.53 91.16

The pattern continues for several more pages with only a minor break for the arch-Vietnamese name, Nguyen ranking number 59 and two distinctive but short German names, Schultz (number 173) and Schneider (at number 274).

 

good old Kelly ranks 71st ). For a really lengthy Anglo name, you’ve got to go to the Guinness Book of Records. The 1996 Guinness Book listed this 17 letter surname as the longest English surname: Featherstonehaugh.

 

 

  • Anne Bancroft (Anna Maria Italiano)
  • Charlie Sheen (Carlos Irwin Estevez)
  • Cher (Cherilyn Sarkisian)
  • Dean Martin (Dino Crocetti)
  • Doris Day (Doris Mary Ann Von Kappelhoff)
  • Fred Astaire (Frederick Austerlitz)
  • Fredric March (Ernest Frederick McIntyre Bickel)
  • Gale Storm (Josephine Owaissa Cottle)
  • Greta Garbo (Greta Lovisa Gustafsson)
  • John Ford (Sean Aloysius O’Fearna)
  • John Denver (Henry John Deutschendorf, Jr.)
  • Kirk Douglas (Issur Danielovitch Demsky)
  • Mary Astor (Lucile Vasconcellos Langhanke)
  • Natalie Wood (Natalia Nikolaevna Zakharenko)
  • Paul Muni (Meshilem Meier Weisenfreud)
  • Sophia Loren (Sofia Villani Scicolone)
  • Vic Reeves (Jim Moir)
  • Victor Borge (Borge Rosenbaum)
  • Woody Allen (Allen Stewart Konigsberg )

    • Would an American audience have accepted a romantic flm with the leads being played by Doris Von Kappelhoff and Issur Danielovitch Demsky? Or Sofia Villani Scicolone and Meshilam Meier Weisenfreud? Unlikely.

     

    Sometimes, fiction imitates real life and vice-versa. I was born a Berdichevsky, from the name Berdichev, a town in the Ukraine, historically, one of the most important trading and banking centers in the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth, and later, the Russian Empire. Hundreds of unrelated families (both Jewish and non-Jewish) adopted this as a surname sometime in the 18th century when the Russian authorities required it.

     

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    Norman Berdichevsky contributes regularly to The Iconoclast, our Community Blog. Click here to see all his contributions, on which comments are welcome.