‘Barber from Peru’ Talks Tesla and Bill Maher

By Roger L Simon

I was surprised to hear from my old friend the “Barber from Peru [Indiana]” so quickly just after he had phoned out of the blue the other day. (To remind readers, he takes his name from that famous Marxist, Groucho, who wanted his films to appeal to the “Barber in Peru.”)

He obviously had something on his mind. Or maybe he likes publicity more than he cares to admit.

“Hello, Mr. Simon.”

“Call me Roger,. Even people on X do who have never met in their lives but want to wring my neck.”

“Okay, Roger. Sorry to interrupt you. I know you’re working on a new novel. By the way do you think anyone reads them anymore? Most people can’t watch a video on TikTok for more than two minutes.”

“Don’t depress me.”

“What’s the subject?”

“Kabbalah and quantum mechanics.”

“What?… You used to write detective stories. Oh, well, I guess you creative types have to follow whatever star it is you follow. I consider myself lucky to cut hair….Anyway, I called because I know you just bought a Tesla.”

“Leased. It’s great. So far no one’s keyed it.”

“You’re lucky. That’s what I wanted to tell you. Peoria isn’t such an outback. A couple of people own Teslas and one of them, my dentist as it happens, parked his right in front of the shop when he came in for a shave. But I’d barely stropped the razor when…in plain view through the window… some masked nutcase comes up and starts to graffiti his car all over the front and side.”

“What happened?”

“The dentist—he’s been a black belt in taekwondo for years—jumped out of his seat, barreled through the door and wrestled the creep to the ground, ripping off his keffiyeh or whatever they call it. Turns out it was the son of the high school principal.”

“No kidding.”

“ They didn’t know what to do at first but decided to hold him in juvenile detention except…”

“Except what?”

“His father threatened to sue the city, claiming they’re restricting the kid’s free speech rights. Big local scandal. Everybody’s lawyering up. I’m hoping they won’t sue me for some cockamamie speech issue because I didn’t keep the dentist in his chair. Speaking of which, have you heard the latest about Bill Maher?”

“You… mean Kid Rock taking him to the White House to meet Trump?”

“Right. Kid Rock. Haven’t heard his music. But saw the video where he shot a Bud Light can. Who would want to drink light beer anyway? Drink a couple of Bud Lights with a boy, a girl or an in-between on the can, doesn’t matter, and you think you deserve a hot fudge sundae? Anyone who believes they’ll get thin from drinking that swill has got his head up his wazoo. Drink a real beer for chrissakes.“

“What does this have to do with Maher?”

“He’s Mr. Cake and Eat It Too, in my opinion. He criticizes the Dems for being into all that woke stuff. Big deal. It’s already as dead as the wooly mammoth . On the other hand he goes after Trump for free speech over that Mahmoud whatever his name is.”

“Khalil.”

“Mr. Hamas are freedom fighters. The kind that rape girls and rides them around naked on the back of trucks. Maher says he doesn’t like him but wicked Trump shouldn’t be restricting his speech. It’s a bad precedent or something. Maher’s a lawyer now.”

“Join the crowd.”

“He forgot the free speech exception everyone learned in school—yelling fire in a crowded theater. What happened at Columbia was worse. Not just Jewish kids but other students couldn’t go to class or live normal lives at a school their parents ponied up their life savings for them to attend… that is if the students themselves didn’t take loans they’ll still be paying off from their Social Security checks. That’s not protest. It’s menace bordering on terrorism. I don’t care what those judges say. Trump should send the guy to El Salvador with the nut jobs burning Teslas”

“Not a bad idea. If I knew him, I’d tell him…. So what’s Maher’s strategy.”

“Convince himself Trump’s wrong even when he knows he’s right in order to placate his fans. Otherwise he’d be out of business. He’s kind of a talented phony.”

“At least he’s not Jimmy Kimmel.”

“Who?”

“Jimmy Kimmel.” The barber was drawing a blank. “Jimmy Kimmel Live—it’s a late night show.”

“Oh… I wouldn’t know. I go to bed a nine-thirty.”

(Apologies for the accuracy of the cartoon. That’s not Tesla. I tried with Grok, but it wouldn’t cooperate. At least it got the barber right.)

First published in American Refugees