Rowan Dean, Aussie Satirist, Envisages – All Too Accurately, One Fears – the Principles Now Guiding Our Spies and First Responders

It is something of a minor miracle that these exercises in the blackest of black humour, dripping with sarcasm, should have seen print in any part of the usually-reliably-Islamophile Fairfax press.  Yet: there they were and are, in 2015 and 2016, though only recently discovered by myself.  Mr Dean is to be congratulated, and should anyone wish to inaugurate an annual “Asma Bint Marwan Award for Mockery Deployed in the Service of Civilisation”, I would nominate Mr Dean as a worthy Australian candidate.

We shall begin by enjoying the most recent piece, which appeared on 19 August this year in the wake of the official inquiry into the handling of Muslim Man Monis’ deadly attack upon the LIndt Cafe in Martin Place, Sydney.

http://www.afr.com/opinion/columnists/introducing-the-new-swat-team-leader-manual-20160818-gqw7jw

‘Introducing the New SWAT Team Leader Manual.

‘In this day and age of nasty things like extreme violence perpetrated by unknown individuals of indeterminate ethnicity or relgion for reasons that are almost impossible to fathom and are manifestly psychological in nature, the job of being a SWAT Team Leader is harder than ever before.

‘On top of that, everybody in the outside world has this ludicrous and completely impractical idea that the so-called Police Force would just “barge in” and “shoot the baddies” and “rescue all the hostages alive” as if we were in a Bruce Willis movie.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

‘For this reason, we in the high command segment of the NSW Police Response and Tactical Terrorism Service (PRATTS) have decided to update our Siege and Hostage interception Response Kit (SHIRK) to help all members of the force know the correct way to behave should they confront any difficult situations in the future.

‘Emergency response:

“Normally the first persons who are aware of the threat of a hostage or siege situation are sitting in a cafe or some such multicultural communal environment enjoying everyday life in our harmonious, diverse community (well done, Mr Dean; my buzzword detector just went into overload and exploded – CM) when another person, or a group of persons of indeterminate cultural identity bursts in and starts shooting everybody, or threatening them with lots of guns and bombs, or even a machete.

‘Sometimes this Aggrieved Person may be shouting words over and over in a strange guttural language, or waving a black piece of cloth with squiggly white writing on it.

‘This can be very confronting and may lead one or more people present to dial 000 on their iPhones, where of course their details will be taken down in a sensitive and compassionate fashion in line with community expectations, and the highly trained Answering Person will assess whether the person who is shrieking at them down the phone in such a rude and inappropriate fashion may actually just be suffering from depression and needs to be referred to the appropriate Helpline or whether they are in fact just a bunch of drug-crazed teenage pranksters ordering a pizza and the call will be put on ‘hold’.

‘Rapid Deployment:

“On the rare occasions that an event of extreme violence is being perpetrated, it is imperative to deploy all available resources as quickly as possible to determine the best mode of response.

‘This involves rapidly assembling a crack team of Public Relations experts, spin doctors, and media spokespersons, all of whom must immediately gather at the designated Crisis Point, no matter how busy they are on other important matters, such as explaining our transgender diversity program to kindergarten kids, or assisting with selecting appropriate telegenic community representatives for next year’s Kirribilli Ramadan Iftar dinner celebrations.

ROFLMAO – CM

‘Identifying the Threat.

‘It is critical that all relevant intelligence concerning the event – such as, how soon it is until the next State [or Federal – CM] election, how long until the Boss resigns, who is up to replace him or her, and all the latest focus group approval ratings – is quickly put up on a large whiteboard so that it can be closely analysed to help frame the tactical response to the event and then just as quickly be rubbed out again.

‘Understanding the Motivation.

‘People do all sorts of unpleasant things for all sorts of reasons that are impossible to discern, but are almost certainly the result of a troubled cultural background where they have been subjected to systemic racism, Islamophobia, and manifold expressions of white cultural oppression and privilage.

‘Do NOT jump to conclusions: just because they are shouting Allahu-Akbar at the top of their voices as they chop people’s heads off (or stab them, or shoot them, or blow them up or drive over the top of them – CM) in no way infers they are acting out of religious motivation.

Just for writing the above two sentences and getting them published in a mainstream newspaper, Mr Dean, you would be nominated by me as a candidate for the Asma Bint Marwan Memorial Award for Mockery and Sarcasm Masterfully Deployed in the Defence of Civilisation Award, did such a thing exist. – CM

‘Observing legalities:

‘Even though you have three trained snipers all with clear lines of sight and ample opportunity to pull the trigger, this does not mean that you can abuse another person’s inalienable human rights by putting a bullet in their skull.

‘Keeping Calm: No matter how tense the situation, it is critical that as a Senior Commanding Officer you keep calm at all times.  The best way to do this is to go home, turn off your phone, have a nice dinner, watch the telly (a romantic comedy should do the trick) and get a good night’s kip.

‘Lines of Communication:  Decision-making can get very messy and confusing in the midst of  a siege.  On the one hand, you may have Tony Abbott on the phone offering to send in the army, but on another line you may have an army of PR experts advising you that that would be the very worst thing you could do for your reputation. Think carefully.

‘Neutralising the Threat: After it’s over, wipe out all your texts and delete all your emails as fast as you can.“

Hmmm.  Sounds like this ‘manual’ has achieved international currency… 

And now we shall proceed to the second essay, first written in 2015 but recently updated, which is an all-too-painfully-accurate imagining of the sort of handbook our present generation of spooks – not only in Australia but in many, many other places, alas – currently appear to be using.

http://www.afr.com/opinion/columnists/the-handbook-on-how-to-be-a-spy-and-spot-a-terrorist-20151221-glszw6

‘Check Out ASIO Spy’s Handbook 2016.  Updated by Spymaster Duncan  Lewis-Carroll.  With a Foreword by Malcolm “ISIS? What ISIS?” Turnbull.

“Chapter 1.  How to Be a Spy.

‘As a highly-valued member of this nation’s leading intelligence agency, you are charged with protecting our fellow citizens from the myriad mortal threats that we face in these hugely challenging yet equally exciting times.

‘Terrorism comes in all shapes and sizes, but clearly one of the deadliest threats we face is when we spies forget to mind our tongue.

‘As you go about your job, respectfully speak in as soothing and compassionate a manner as possible.

‘Make sure you avoid insulting people by mentioning their ethnicity (let alone their belief system/ cult affiliation – CM) or stereotyping them into “goodies” and “baddies” as this can cause offence, which will lead to an understandable sense of grievance and alienation, which may in turn result in them blowing everybody up.

‘Chapter 2.  Identifying Threats.

‘Deadly threats to our civilised way of life come in all shapes and sizes, although some may be more existentially challenging than others.  In 2016 we face one of the very deadliest threats to our survival, as we saw only recently in Paris. This is, of course, Catastrophic Climate Change….

My irony meter just overheated and exploded, because, of course, in Paris of late, besides a conference on climate, there were – between November 2015 and January 2016 – two major mass-casualty Jihad ghazi raids, to wit, the Muslim massacre of ‘blasphemous’ cartoonists at Charlie Hebdo and of Jews at the kosher supermarket, and the ghastly Muslim mass murder of Infidels at the Bataclan concert hall and nearby cafes, which events Mr Dean’s imagined spy manual carefully omits to mention, at all. – CM

‘Chapter 3.  How to Spot a Terrorist.

‘Terrorists come in all shapes and sizes.  Some are tall, and some are short. For some inexplicable reason – in all likelihood a mere statistical quirk – many terrorists like to sport beards, perhaps as a way of attempting to feel a part of today’s modern, innovative hipster lifestyle. Equally inexplicably, most terrorists have a preference for loose-fitting clothing, which often takes the form of an artist’s smock or even a long flowing robe of an oriental or Mediterranean hue. This probably reflects a subconscious desire to stand out from the crowd due to the insufferable alienation from society that those with an understandable grievance often feel (see Chapter 1).

‘Chapter 4.  Phone-Tapping Suspects.

‘Often terrorists like to converse in an unfamiliar language – an unconscious reaction, perhaps, to their perceived inability to articulate their grievances in this oppressive, imperialist, Anglocentric society of ours.  These unidentifiable languages often have strange inflections and frequently involve lots of shouting.  Our linguistic experts have noted an unusual preference amongst terror suspects for vowel sounds such as “al”, “el” and a strange guttural consonant that could possibly just be the terrorist clearing his throat.

‘Chapter 5.  Infiltrating Terror Networks.

‘Most terror networks like to establish themselves deep in the western suburbs of our major cities, where they can disappear in amongst our vibrant, diverse communities, all of whom to a man and a woman would be horrified, shocked and dismayed if they had even the slightest inkling that such miscreants were hiding among them.

Mr Dean is here relying on the local knowledge of his Australian readers.  For the benefit of non-Aussie readers of the New English Review, I will just mention that certain western and southwestern suburbs of Sydney, NSW – notably Lakemba and Auburn, but there are others quite badly affected as well – are the most heavily Islamised pieces of turf in the whole of Australia. – CM

‘Catch a train out to the western suburb of your choice (keep the docket, please) and then look for a local bookshop.  If you recognise the books in the window, look for a different bookstore.  

‘Keep looking until  you find a bookshop with flags in the window (often black) with squiggly white writing on them.

‘This is usually harmless promotional material, but may also contain a hidden code that advertises the existence of a terrorist network on the premises.

‘Go upstairs.  Knock three times, and say that Allan Akbar sent you.

‘Chapter 6.  Undercover Work.

‘Often, you will need to go undercover and actually participate in intelligence-gathering within the broader confines of a suspect’s community.

‘While religion plays no part whatsoever (heaven forbid!) in the radicalising of young misunderstood terror suspects, our highly-experienced number crunchers have noticed another unusual statistical quirk whereby many terror suspects choose to attend a religious service of some description or other prior to carrying out their entirely lone-wolf activities – possibly as a way of seeking solace for their acts of desperation brought on by alienation, etc (see Chapter 1).

‘Churches these days come in all shapes and sizes; some even have a turret with a man at the top yelling out peaceful slogans to the crowds below.

‘Make sure you first take off your shoes before entering whichever house of worship, then bow down low with your bum in the air so as not to draw attention to yourself as a spy, or a “non-believer”.

‘All religions these days are peace-loving, but in order to avoid causing any offence, make sure that whatever you do, you don’t mention (word deleted).“

Not bad, Mr Dean.  Not bad.  My only complaint? – That Fairfax newspapers were either unwilllng or unable  to find a cartoonist up to the task of supplying these two instruction manuals with suitable maps, diagrams and illustrations.   – CM